put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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