i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
