Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
