nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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