rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
