My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
