after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
