if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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