So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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