I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
