Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I am spending my child support on dildos
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
