kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
