Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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