I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
