This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
