i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
