I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
