The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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