I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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