Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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