Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
