Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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