He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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