do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
