if you like me you must not know who I am
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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