I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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