Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize