Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
