You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I have demons in me.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
