would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
