Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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