is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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