i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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