i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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