i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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