she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
