He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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