we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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