you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
