I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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