I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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