I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
