He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
