I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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