Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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