Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
