good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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