have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
