She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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