I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
zippers are such a cool invention
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
