yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
