There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I did not marry a roomba.
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