i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
the liver wants what the liver wants
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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