she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
